dirt don't hurt

1. Hummingbirds are the only birds that can fly backwards. 2. Flamingo's knees bend backwards.

1. Hummingbirds are the only birds that can fly backwards. 2. Flamingo's knees bend backwards.

I happened to be brushing my teeth when my daughter slapped me with this dandy of a question. “What’s an addiction?” she asked. My first response was of course, “murph uff baa arw urg” which is dentist for “hang on a minute, I’m brushing my teeth.” Extended rinsing gave me sufficient time to think just how to answer that question to my seven year old. When one normally thinks about the term “additction,” mostly non-childproof thoughts come to mind. We teach our children about negative addictions, such as drugs, smoking, and alcohol. We children of the 80’s know that Robert Palmer was addicted to love, and likewise Weird Al was addicted to spuds. Trying my best to not tarnish her innocence, I simply asked her what she thought it meant. Her innocent answer was something like “when you like something,” which is pretty close. To finish the definition I added on an explanation of how when you have an addiction, you like something a whole bunch, so much that you think about it a lot and i...

This is what the universe does to you when you make fun of tofu. I’m a firm believer in eating REAL food. To me, there is no such thing as a substitute. If I want protein, it’s time for a big steak. Ice cream should be ice cream, not frozen this or that. Eggs should be made of real crack-the -shell eggs, and as far as I’m concerned, I’d rather not waste my time drinking skim milk when I could be enjoying the fatty goodness of the cream-top variety. I’ve gone as far as standing in the grocery store, giving the evil eye to the tofu “ice cream” and saying aloud, “who buys this stuff? If you’re gonna have ice cream, have ice cream. Who are these people trying to kid?” And now, I’m afraid it’s me. They’re trying to kid me. Lately I have been totally consumed by my longing for dairy products, so much that I sat down to write this week’s column and instead of seeing a blank paper I saw a piece of Swiss cheese. I very nearly nibbled on the corner of my computer screen. And when I went...

Here’s a question I guarantee you won’t have an answer for. When’s the last time you stuck a popsicle stick into a banana and pretended it was a phone while walking down a main street and laughed so hard that you caught the attention of many passers-by and thereby publically humiliated yourself? For me, eleven years. It was 1997. My college roommate and must have consumed dozens of cups of cafeteria coffee over an extended lunch, and the over-caffeinated result was…wait for it…the Cellana. The cellular banana: an awesome idea spawned from the fact that every time my mother packed me a banana in my school lunch, she drew little number buttons on it with a blue pen so that I could make phone calls on my elementary lunch hour. Regardless of what the Cellana means to anyone else, the image of a banana with an antenna is a sad reminder to me that I just don’t laugh that hard anymore. I’m talking full-out, doubling-over, eyes tearing up, “stop it stop it stop it” kind of laughing. It’s th...

It is four-thirty. I've gone from coffee to wine. How was your day, dear?

For a child, there are few places more exciting than a zoo. Perhaps it’s the idea that an animal that you’ve only seen in books is right there, behind the glass. Or maybe it’s the enchantment of seeing these animals up close, to see the texture in their fur, to hear their sounds in first person, or to look one square in the eye and have it look back. Or maybe it’s just the anticipation of waiting to see if one will actually go to the bathroom while you’re there watching it. Whatever it is, the zoo is pure magic for children. And unfortunately, it’s pure sweat for parents. When my children first caught wind of our potential zoo trip, I was constantly barraged with questions. “How many more days to the zoo?” “When are we going to the zoo?” “Is the zoo today?” And, as usual, when dealing with small people with no concept of time, every answer you give is a real waste of breath. But finally, after a few agonizing days, it was time to go to the zoo. I knew it was the perfect day because th...